Can you say "DENIAL"?

13 FEB 2013
(in response to my previous blog post from 16 MAY 2009)

Can you say "DENIAL"?

Introduction

It's hard to believe I've been in Florida for 3 years, 6 months, and 29 days. And it's hard to believe that it's been about 3 years, 8 months and 29 days since I updated this blog. Many think I forgot about it, but I haven't. In fact, I still talk about it and still use it from time to time when people ask me how I ended up in Florida. I like to use my last blog post as a litmus test to see if people really care when they ask how I got here... or if they were just making small talk. If they care, they will read that behemoth. If they were just making small talk, they usually just read the first paragraph, if that.

Many times I've considered writing a follow up. I've had quite a few people ask me what's the latest. I haven't for several reasons. First, for some stupid reason, I've always wanted that blog post to be at the top of the blog listing. Second, it took me a week to write that blog post and its content spans the events of my life over about 3 months (from 5 months before my move to 2 months before my move to Florida). It's now been over 3-1/2 years. I shutter to think how long it will take to write an update. And last, I've always felt that when I follow up that post, I will be closing a door... a door which really needs to be closed but one I don't have the heart to close.

But the time has come. It's time to get crack-a-lackin.

Clarifications

I always knew that if I wrote an update, I would have to start out by making some corrections/clarifications to the last post. Once I published that article, I tried to reach a point where it was set in stone, no updates, no edits, no corrections. I wanted that "last modified" date to be unchanging.  Because in my mind, if an article gets changed frequently, it loses credibility. So even though it took a week to write, most of that time was trying to put it into a coherent form. And in my haste to set it in stone, there were some things which I didn't provide the appropriate attention to detail nor did I review its continuity which, as it turns out, is lacking in spots.

In the section "Along came an angel", I talk about a girl who I name Michelle. As I mentioned, it's not her real name, but she becomes one of the key players of my story. At the time when she added me as a friend on Facebook, I had no idea where she came from. I had honestly been in Florida for a year before I found out where she had come from. She and I had met on an app on Facebook. She assumed I always knew. I didn't.

In the section "The mystery", I mention my friends Bobby and Lana whom I've known most of my life. I met Lana, her siblings and her parents in 1976 within the first week of moving to Texas during the summer before my 4th grade year. Although I'm still good friends and keep in touch with Lana's siblings, unfortunately my near-lifelong friend Lana passed away May 30th, 2009, just two weeks after I wrote my last blog post, and about 6 weeks before I moved to Texas. My heart still grieves the loss of my dear friend but I know I will see her again someday. The loss of my mom a year and a half before that was the toughest loss I've endured. Losing Lana hurt almost as bad.

In the section "The fresh start", I've had many people ask me why I prayed for a fresh start. To be blunt, I had been through a lot. As I mentioned, my divorce ended badly. I won't share the many, many details of the divorce because to date I still have not shared them with my now-18 year old daughter. If the divorce wasn't bad enough, as soon as the divorce was filed, I was filing bankruptcy. Not that I wanted to, but because I knew that was 1) the only way I could meet my obligation of child support as a father, 2) going to haunt me for years to come, and 3) the only way I could get out of a really bad situation. And let's not forget that my dear mother, who I was very close to, passed away two days after I retained an attorney for my divorce and bankruptcy. I'd been through a lot in a short time before and I had an ex-wife who was still leaning on me financially, emotionally and physically  and I had had enough.

In the section "My friend Dave", I mention that "Michelle and I had talked about the possibility of meeting". That is poorly written and is misleading. It makes it sound like I was onboard with the idea of meeting her face to face the whole time. And I left out one of the important points of the reason I mentioned this with Dave at all. When Dave asked in January when I was going to come and see him, he asked in this manner... "You should come to Florida and stay with me. We can hang out. There's lots to do here. Besides, you could really use a break." That night when Michelle and I talked on the phone, she raised the subject for the first time by saying something strikingly similar: "You should come to Florida. We can meet and hang out. There's lots to do here. Besides, you cold really use a break." And as shocked as I was at the similarity of invites, I wasn't so enthused about meeting Michelle. Though I'm now ashamed that I said it, I believe my actual words were "I don't know you. I don't think meeting would be a good idea. I think that it's a nice thought, but I can't see myself doing that." But by February, I had clearly started warming to the idea.

Also in "My friend Dave", I mention my friend Jennifer telling me that our mutual friend from school, Sharon, also lived in Lakeland. I incorrectly said that Sharon's mom and my mom worked together. I'm not sure where that came from. Actually, my mom worked for the same company as, and knew well, her dad and brother and my mom was very good friends with Sharon's mom.

In the section "The trip home from Lakeland", I mention my friend Jim. At some point I mention him being in Tampa for layovers. I forgot to explain that Jim is a pilot for Southwest Airlines and flies into Tampa often (or at least he did until I moved to the area).

In the section "My cousin Dave", I mention my friend Jen (not the same as "Jennifer") the atheist (who, by "coincidence", was the one who was coming down from Chicago earlier in my story, preventing me from being able to direct for Jim). About two and a half years ago, I'm happy to proclaim that Jen was freed from the shackles of atheism and has become a Christian. That makes me so happy!

In the section "Where to live", I mention how my landlord tells me that she's decided not to sell and I can stay. Then I mention that I heard from God again. To clarify this, the e-mail I'd sent to Huntington at Sundance apartments was immediately before lunch. As soon as I'd sent it, my co-worker Charlie and I headed to eat lunch at Jason's Deli. It was on the ride to lunch that out of the blue, I felt I'd been transported somewhere and heard the message from God. It was unusual, because this was the only time I have ever heard God speak to me outside of a prayer time. This was on the ride to lunch. What's more, I remember when I regained my wits, Charlie looked at me from the driver's sea like I had grown a 3rd arm from my forehead. He said I wasn't breathing and I was pale as a sheet. And the part that bothers me the most, I couldn't remember the exact wording I had heard. I was even having a difficult time paraphrasing it, though I knew exactly what the message was and I wasn't happy about it.

Later in that section, I stated that I believed I had secured a place to live in Village at Lake Highland and that is correct. I've been here ever since.

Still before the move

I guess at this point, I have to consider how do I update you on what has happened in the years since. It doesn't make sense to go into any great detail because I could write for a month and not finish my update. I did have some additional things to report which still happened before the move to Florida.

At the end of May, just two weeks after my previous post, I drove down to Florida to put my deposit on the apartment. Because my cousin Dave had moved to Naples on May 1st, I decided to start my trip off with a visit to my cousin's house. I had only seen him once in the last 20-some years. I was looking forward to visiting with him again.

In preparation for the trip, I asked Michelle if I would get to see her on my trip. The first time I asked her, she said "Of course". As I was leaving on the trip, I asked again and her answer had changed to "We'll see". While I was in town, she had so much going on, I could see that she didn't have time for me. To show her she still meant the world to me, whether I got to see her or not, on Friday I sent her flowers. That evening, she asked me to come over. While I was there, I worked on her daughter's laptop until around 3am. I think I got to sleep around 4am. It wasn't easy when you consider I was planning on leaving for Texas in the morning at 10am. My friend Dave E whom I was again staying with, wanted me to watch a movie with him before he left. I figured we would get up at 8 and watch the movie until 10 and I would leave. When he tried to wake me at 8 I told him to try again at 10. I was up at 10, watched the movie and left at noon. On my way out of town, I stopped to get gas. As I pulled up to the pump, my friend Bobby called in tears and screaming in pain to let me know that Lana had passed in her sleep the night before. I wanted so badly to rush and go directly to Bobby, but on so little sleep, I couldn't do it. I stopped halfway in Mobile, AL.

Another item... I had a friend from high school named Desiree. I had actually taken her to the prom my Senior year. Unfortunately, after my senior year, she disappeared and I never heard from her again. During the years that followed, I tried many avenues to find her but to no avail. Sometime in June, the month before I moved to Florida, I received a friend request on Facebook from Desiree. She was married with two kids and living... yep, in Tampa. So now I had Michelle, Dave E, Sharon, Jim, my cousin Dave K and Desiree all in this small area of Central Florida, where just three months before I had no one. It seemed God was just showing off.

Questioning the move

So at this point I had made the move to Florida. I'm here. All my stuff is here. My job is now here in Tampa. But that's it. God had orchestrated this huge effort to move me to Florida. And he used friends, family and a possible romantic interest to get me here. Quite impressive. Until I got here, that is. As it turned out, all that vaporized.

• Dave E was working in Georgia during the week. He flew out Monday morning and flew home Friday evening. His weekends were spent with his family and taking care of things he couldn't take care of during the week. I couldn't infringe on that.
• My cousin Dave K was still training for his new air traffic control job at the Naples airport. He was working long shifts and crazy hours. He didn't have time for me.
• Sharon was busy planning her son Matt's wedding in September, 2009. She was working and planning and was never available.
• Jim, though he had been flying into Tampa weekly until moved here, was no longer on that route. In fact, to this day, I've only seen Jim in Tampa 3 times.
• Desiree, her husband and two kids were all in school and she and her hubby were working and raising two boys. She didn't have time for me.
• Michelle, for some reason, just wasn't available for me. I will go into more detail about this later.

So, even though God got me here by making it look like I would never be bored in Florida, it was now more like he dropped me in Florida all by myself with no friends, no family, no nothing, and forgot about me. I was miserable, questioning God, questioning my move, questioning if all my "reasons for moving to Florida" really were simple coincidence. Maybe I had made it up in my head and told myself this lie. I didn't know. But I knew I missed my daughter terribly and missed my friends from Texas who were always available when I lived there.

Simply not available

Though it bothered me that none of my friends or family were available, it bothered me the most that Michelle, who I was so close to in Texas, just didn't have time for me.  In fact, I felt as though she was barely talking to me. I felt as though she was turning her back on me. I talked to Michelle about it and she said I was being hypersensitive. At the time, I refused to accept that answer. Like really rejected that answer. Looking back, I know that I do have a well-established pattern of being hypersensitive. I'm no longer sure. Perhaps I drove her away. I sure hope not. Perhaps it was just part of God's plan.

My church

In my previous post, I mentioned how my friend Dave E was attending the church that Michelle grew up in. Before I moved, I had even emailed the ministry leaders to let them know of my intent to move and my interest in assisting with the video ministry and discussed my background running teleprompter and being one of the I-Mag directors at the Woodlands Church in Houston. The first couple weeks after I arrived, I was mad at God for dumping me here with no one after giving me the illusion that I had this support system already here. Because of my bitterness, I sat home from church the first couple weeks. Eventually I relented. I went to church and between service went and introduced myself to the ministry leader. Though it's a sizable church, their video equipment was limited and dated. But as coincidence (?) would have it, they were in the process of upgrading to HD equipment and most of the people in the ministry lacked the skills of using such equipment. I started to believe that part of the reason I was here might be because Victory needed me right then to help out with this transition to the new equipment. At the time, Amanda was pretty much the only video director and the church only had two main camcorder-grade cameras in use. It has really grown since then!

Back to Michelle

To say that we've had a rocky road is an understatement. For a couple years, the only time she would see me was when my daughter was in town. Her daughter and my daughter get along so well. She's always said she wouldn't date until her daughter was out of school and I respected that but have always enjoyed the times we get together I am rarely happier than when I'm with her. I feel like the king of the world. We've never had a relationship, we've had dinner here and there, but nothing more than that.

In the years that I've been here, I have done my best to try to put her behind me. When it was clear that Michelle was not no longer interested, I joined PlentyOfFish.com. In the year that followed, I would say I easily went on 50+ first dates, maybe 3 second dates, and only one third date. That kind of fun can have a serious negative effect on a person's belief in himself. While I began to come to grips with the fact that I was either too picky or too undesirable (depending on who you asked), I shared my escapades with close friends like Sharon. We began to make nicknames for all of them as they all had their own reasons why it didn't work out. I gave up.

Along came Holly

It's a difficult paradigm to live, but I've always heard that God won't show you the one you're looking for until you give up looking for her. It's how I met Michelle. And it's also how I met Holly. And once again, Facebook was the intermediary. I was just playing a game of Farkle on Facebook after everyone had gone to bed while I was visiting my cousin in Indiana for Thanksgiving. I was having a rather entertaining conversation with the girl I was playing with. We played together for a couple hours. We moved our conversation over to Yahoo IM and then the next night, she asked me to add her on Facebook and I did. It was then that I found out that she was not yet divorced but was in the final steps of finalizing her divorce. Needless to say, I had forgotten all about Betty and the perils of getting involved with someone who is not single or divorced. I will skip over all of the sappy-wonderful words I could use to describe her, but this woman had done what no one had done before. She had gotten me to (almost) forget about Michelle. It didn't matter to either of us that she lived in South Carolina and I lived in Florida. We saw each other almost every weekend. I met her kids and they often said how much they enjoyed seeing their mom happy again. I had been to her place, she had been to mine. We dated for almost a year when I realized without a doubt that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. We talked about me applying for a job with Microsoft in Charlotte and moving up there and starting our life together. The following Thanksgiving, as I was headed to Indiana, I stopped off in South Carolina to see her (only a couple hours out of the way). I had told her I had a surprise for her and I did. Unfortunately, the morning I was leaving, she had a migraine. Though she did make it to the hotel to see me and spend some time with me before I left, we just sat together, quietly. She sat on the ottoman in front of me and leaned back on me. And there we sat. Silently for hours Until it was time for me to go. I should have done it, but I didn't. I wanted the time to be more special, I wanted us to be out doing something, not in a hotel sitting quietly. I didn't think she would want to remember that I proposed while she had a migraine. So I decided to do it another time. I was going to see her on my way home from Indiana anyway.  I made it to Indiana and didn't hear from Holly for a day and a half. And actually, when I heard, it was her husband who contacted me to let me know that she had decided to move back in with him. He said I had my chance and blew it. He laughed at me. I was destroyed.

The end of an error

For the year that I was with Holly, I think I might have spoken to Michelle once or twice. But with Holly gone, and much to my chagrin, my heart resurrected its love for Michelle. I tried to get into another relationship but it didn't work out. That year, I had done something nice for Michelle for her birthday. I did it anonymously but eventually came clean. For my birthday a month later, the gift I wanted was to take her on a dinner cruise in the Gulf of Mexico. I made the non-refundable deposit of $125 thinking it was a go but Michelle just would not take the time to talk to me about what I wanted for my birthday. The night before my birthday rolled around and Michelle asked what I wanted for my birthday. By this time, it was too late. I had already cancelled the dinner cruise reservations, lost my money, I was pissed that she couldn't take the time for me for a call, while this other girl wouldn't leave me alone. In my disgust for how she uncaring she was about my birthday, on the morning of my birthday, I changed my Facebook status to "In a relationship" and I used a picture of this other girl and me together as my profile picture. Michelle commented on my relationship change "In a relationship? Congrats! and Happy Birthday!" I got a text from her telling me she had a card for me but that she no longer thought it appropriate to give it to me and wished me luck. My heart sank. I ruined what little relationship we had left. And for a girl who has never respected me and never really cared for me. In the two years since, this girl and I have seen each other on and off (mostly off) but I will never get Michelle out of my head. And this girl could tell. I wouldn't commit to her because she could tell my heart was committed to someone else.

The end of an era

I had been with the same company (more or less) for over 18 years.  Despite my loyalty to the company, they showed no loyalty to me. I was on a team with two other guys who really knew SharePoint well. The three of us did all the work, the other three guys did very little. Because we were so understaffed, we often couldn't accomplish the work given to us. Upper management kept hearing from our manager "we can't do that" and they were starting to hear it as "we don't have the skills to do that", instead of what was really meant, "we do not have staffing to accomplish that in the time you need". Because of this, the company opted to bring in a 3rd party company to do SharePoint for them. The writing was on the wall, they had lost faith in us because of our manager. Mike was the first to leave and went to work at Microsoft as a Premier Field Engineer (PFE). When I finally made the decision to leave, I found an e-mail that had been sent to me on LinkedIn from a local company, a grocer based here in Lakeland who is the nations largest employee-owned company. The position and pay were perfect for me. Or so I thought. About the time I left, Karl also decided to leave the company. He also went to work for Microsoft as a PFE.  The job I took was not great. I shouldn't speak poorly of them because there are many people who work for the company who really love it. It was so totally not a fit for me though. After I left, I heard often from Mike and Karl that I should come to work for Microsoft. Through my employer, I took a training class offered by Microsoft for my technology. I spoke to the instructor and he himself said that he felt I should apply for a job so I did. Eight months later, I had my dream job at Microsoft.

A troubling discovery

I mentioned how things were so on-again-off-again with the girl who I used to exact my frustration with Michelle. I was always checking up on her. She had cheated on me, and a couple times I found her back on ChristianMingle.com where we'd met. When I wasn't seeing her on ChristianMingle.com, I started wondering if she was tired of me catching her on there and had started using something else like PlentyOfFish, so I created a profile on there to see if she had gone there. I was destroyed to find Michelle on there (POF has a ticker at the top of the "logged in" page showing the most recent people in your area to log in and her profile was in that list). At first I was destroyed. I knew that this meant that Michelle had decided to start dating. And since she wasn't dating me, and she knows how I feel about her, it was clear to me that she feels I am not good enough for her, which I'm probably not.

Over the years, Michelle has broken my heart so many times. She's cancelled so many "dates" we had. One of them she cancelled so that she could stay home to watch the first game of the Tampa Rays playoffs. No, she didn't ask to eat at a sports bar where we could watch the game, nor did she offer to come over to my place or even invite me over to watch it at her place. She just cancelled. She's cancelled so many other times. And it's not the cancelling that bothers me (though the one she cancelled to watch the Rays game at home alone was a tough pill to swallow), it's the fact that she never reschedules. If you're going to cancel, just make it up to me. But she never does. Most time we have gone out, in the back of my mind I've kept myself from getting too excited because the odds of her cancelling again were so high.

But instead of being defeated by finding her on POF, I redoubled my efforts. I decided to go "all in" and make sure Michelle knows exactly how much I care for her. I started sending her flowers every week, sometimes twice a week. I spoiled her in any way I could. My heart truly loves her and I would do anything for her. Michelle and I were starting to get really close again. Almost as close as we were before I moved to Florida. I was in heaven. We were talking every day I was happy.

At one point, I mentioned buying her flowers late in the week. I was kidding but she took me serious and said I couldn't buy her any more flowers that week. The conversation continued and later that evening, I asked for her mom's home address and she gave it to me. So, that Thursday night, while texting with Michelle, I ordered her mom some flowers and made the card out to say something like "Your daughter will not allow me to buy her any more flowers this week so I decided to brighten your day. Please accept these as a token of my appreciation for how you have shown me and shown the world what true love is." Michelle's dad is in the late stages of dementia/Alzheimer's. But Michelle's mom made the decision years ago that she would not allow him to live in a nursing home. She has stayed with him and taken care of him for years without complaint as an act of sheer love in my opinion. Honestly, and I really mean honestly, in my life, had I been in that situation in my life with anyone other than Michelle, I would have found a way to leave. My love has never been that strong for anyone. I was with some friends celebrating a birthday at Seminole Hard Rock Casino, having dinner when someone tried to call. I'm guessing it was her mom. But it was so loud in there, I couldn't take the call. I would not have been able to hear anything. Later Michelle relayed to me the expression of thankfulness her mom had sent her for me for doing this. That was Friday.

Michelle and I had actually spent a lot of time together that weekend. I do believe it was the most time she and I had ever spent together at one time. During the weekend, we discussed her dad's deteriorating condition and how weary her mom is trying to take care of her dad. The Alzheimer's was really advancing in her dad. At one point, her mom called and Michelle mentioned that she's worried about someday soon getting that call from her mom about her dad.

A time of loss

On the following Tuesday, Michelle and I had been texting back and forth as usual. But somewhere around 3:30p she stopped responding. I arrived home from the customer office at 5, completed my daily status report and went to take a short nap before I had to leave at 6 for my Bible study group. I left the phone on my chest while I napped just in case Michelle responded. I've always told Michelle, and it's true, whenever I'm talking to her, the rest of my world stops and fades away. It's only me and her.

My alarm woke me at 6. As I sat up to get out of bed, I received two text messages. One from my daughter about 30 minutes before and one from Michelle about 15 minutes old. It say "Call me please". It sounded like something was wrong. I tried to call a couple times but got no answer. By the tone elevation at the end of each ring on her end, I could tell she was on the phone. As I was about 5 miles from home, I received another text. This one from my cable company. My cable company provides my home phone which only Michelle calls me on. And with their service, I have it set up so that if someone calls me, it texts me the caller's information. It was Michelle. So I text her back telling her I'd gotten a message saying she called. I asked if I should call and if everything was alright. No response.

Bible study wrapped around 9pm that day. I still had no response from Michelle. I text her again (Until this last week, I've never just called her without first texting her to see if she's busy... weird, I know). I asked if everything as ok. No response. I got home and hopped on Facebook and saw her best friend Stacy had posted a message asking that everyone please pray for Michelle's family. I text Michelle to let her know that I had just seen Stacy's message and that I was praying. Within 30 seconds my phone rang. It was Michelle. But before I answered, she hung up. About 2 minutes later, she called back. I answered and she said "It's me". I was relieved because she sounded fine. But I was wrong. Michelle let out this tearful cry "Mark, my mom died today." Even writing this, my heart skips a beat. I yelled out "No!". In my head I'm wondering Why God? Why take her mom? The days to come were very difficult for her. And for some reason, I was now reliving the pain of my mom's passing just 4 years before around the same time. With my divorce, bankruptcy and my mom's passing all happing in such close proximity, I think my heart hardened to get through it all and I never grieved properly. And now I was grieving right alongside Michelle. And she knows I have been there for her because I know the pain she's going through. She's admired the close relationship I had with my mom, just as I've admired the relationship with hers, though now it's gone.

For the next two weeks, we got very close. But my insecurity mixed with her pain and a little apparent withdrawal from being social, I started getting my feelings hurt. Many of Michelle's actions, her quietness, and everything just caused me more pain. And as the saying goes, "Hurting people hurt people". And that's what happened. For a couple weeks we weren't as close but we were starting to get close again. And I'm not sure where I got the balls, but last Thursday, Feb 7th, I asked Michelle if she would go with me to dinner for Valentine's Day. To my surprise, she said yes. I made reservations at a really nice restaurant. She told me over the weekend that she's really excited and looking forward to it. I'm excited too because she's actually letting me take her someplace nice to eat, the Capital Grille at International Plaza.

But on Tuesday, I screwed it up. I once again told her how much I really love her. And I really do. And that doesn't make her comfortable. Whenever I do that, she withdraws. She will always say that she's not upset but I can't help but think she is. Those same texts she used to respond to immediately, now if she responds to them at all, it's hours later. It's my fault. I should have kept my emotions in check. She drew the line years ago about my telling her exactly how I feel. I just cavalierly trampled across that line on Tuesday morning. It's now Wednesday and we barely spoke today. She even mentioned to me that her request to take the time off (to leave early to make our date) hasn't come back. It seems to foreshadow another cancellation. This one will hurt though.

So what's it all mean?

That's the $10million question. What am I here for?
Did God put me here just to help out Victory when they really needed me?
Did God put me here just to pave the way to my dream job in with Microsoft?
Did God put me here just to comfort Michelle in her time of loss?
Did God put me here to put me and Michelle together?

That last question hurts to ask, because I'm pretty sure I know the answer. And I know I've been fighting intensely against His will for several years now... well, wrestling with God as Jacob did. And as one of my closest friends said to me just a couple weeks ago, "if it hasn't happened in 4 years, it is probably not going to happen".
Perhaps.
But I do know one thing... I have a date with her tomorrow. On Valentine's Day... at least I do for now. I'm hoping that doesn't change.

What Are You Doing? Seriously! Are You Nuts?

Intro

It seems to be a popular question these days. I hear it all the time. I tell people “Yes, I’m really moving to Florida.” The response is almost unanimous: “But why? Have you really thought this all the way through? Why would you want to move away from your daughter?” The simple answer to that question is a resounding “Yes! I have thought it all the way through”. I realize it doesn’t make sense to everyone and I don’t expect that I will change many minds by simply documenting the journey to this decision. But it might.

I believe that there comes a time in every Christian’s life that they have to make a difficult decision: Do I follow God or not? It seems that a decision such as this presents itself to us with unusual challenges or circumstances which, to the untrained eye, will cause those around us to ask “What are you doing? Seriously! Are you nuts?”

Genesis 22 tells us the story of God commanding Abraham “Take your son, your only son, Isaac, whom you love, and go to the region of Moriah. Sacrifice him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains I will tell you about.”. Abraham chose obedience. Nothing in Genesis talks about Abraham questioning this command. He simply did it. It was only when he was about to run the blade into his son that God stopped him. For his obedience, God blessed him with what we now know as one of the most sacred covenants of God, the Abrahamic Covenant, delivered by an angel: “I swear by Myself, declares the LORD, that because you have done this and have not withheld your son, your only son, I will surely bless you and make your descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky and as the sand on the seashore. Your descendants will take possession of the cities of their enemies, and through your offspring all nations on earth will be blessed, because you have obeyed Me.” Abraham told no one what he was doing that morning, not even his son Isaac. But think about it for a second. If he had told anyone of what he was about to do, they would surely have been asking the same question or worse. Perhaps they would have taken drastic measures to stop him from this foolishness. And the world would never have been blessed with this covenant.

So why would I move to Florida and move away from my daughter? Certainly nothing as big as Abraham’s test. Countless friends, acquaintances, co-workers and even members of my Bible study group have asked me if I’m really moving. I’ve always known that if they knew the whole story they wouldn’t even be asking the question. The subject came up during our last Bible study meeting on May 1st. I shared my story with Tom during our fellowship time before things got started. There were easily 5 or 6 simultaneous conversations going on, but Tom listened attentively and, as everyone else who has heard the story before him, he was blown away. The rest of the group heard only small bits and pieces of the story and didn’t really “get it” so I was asked to share it again after closing prayer. Most in attendance agreed that this likely was God directing my path. Unfortunately, a couple members were not in attendance and missed out. Hopefully they will have the willpower to make it through the full reading of this long story.

Preface

This blog post will attempt to answer the question, “why are you moving to Florida?”. But to properly answer the question, I’ll have to provide some introductory material to set the stage. It’s this part of the story that has had me putting off this writing. I’ve been very concerned about what to say because I am not sure that I will find a way to provide the introductory information without someone getting their feelings hurt or perhaps claiming I’m skewing my story. So, in this scenario, I think I’ll play the truth card. The truth as I see it, that is. I’ll be eating some humble pie here because it includes some details that I’m not so proud of.

One other point I would like to preface my story with. This move to Florida is NOT about a girl. Sure, some will read this story, picking up superficial details, and infer in the end that it is all about a girl. If you read the story in detail, you will clearly see that this story is NOT about a girl.

Final preface. I pray that those who read this have faith in God because within the story, I discuss things that I have heard God say to me. If you are not a believer, this might seem a far-fetched concept to you. If you ARE a believer, you are aware of how God communicates with us. It is rarely in an audible voice and usually through circumstances. I pray that you understand what I mean when I say “I heard God say to me…”

Where it all started

In the beginning of 2008, I was going through a divorce. My marriage of 13+ years was over. Unfortunately, the marriage didn’t end well. I’m sure people would say the same anytime a marriage ends in divorce but I think my case was especially difficult. As the marriage was ending, before the divorce was finalized, I was occasionally seeing a woman. For privacy sake, I’ll call her Betty. Betty was in the process of getting divorced herself. I’ve now officially learned that it’s never good to be in a relationship if either party is not yet divorced. For some reason, she had trust issues that I would return to my wife. Some of it came from her friends who gave her the advice to not trust a married man. Unfortunately, I was not given the same advice about a married woman. Such issues of distrust in me could only have come from not knowing all the details of my pending divorce. I was not going to be returning to my wife. By April 10th, 2008, my divorce was final, hers was not. We continued to see each other while she worked toward finalizing her divorce.

The long trip starts badly

In November, I took a much needed break from reality. I set out on a long road trip that would keep me away from the house for over two week. I was scheduled to attend training for work in Huntsville, AL the week before Thanksgiving. Believe it or not, I was planning on being with my cousin, Heidi, in Indiana for the week of Thanksgiving and Huntsville was more or less on the way to Indiana. I had made the plans to be at my cousin’s house for Thanksgiving the year before. Why? Well, for one thing, I had plans to be with my cousin Heidi and her family for Thanksgiving 2007. I was even preparing to leave to drive to her house on Tuesday Nov 20th, 2007. That was until I got a call from my brother in Pennsylvania on Monday Nov 19th that my mom had passed away.

On my way to Huntsville, I stopped off at my friend David Driver’s house in Mobile, AL. I hadn’t seen Dave in about 12 years. While there, I got a call from Betty. I won’t go into all the gory details of the call, but in summary the relationship was over. She was going to start trying to work things out with her husband. I shouldn’t have allowed myself to be so emotionally invested with her, but I was. It tore me up. That was Saturday Nov 15th. The next day, I drove up to my hotel in Huntsville to prepare for my class.

Along comes an angel

It’s now a year later. It’s Monday night, Nov 17th. I was sitting in my hotel room watching TV, eating my dinner from Krystal’s restaurant and checking my e-mail. I was very upset both from the breakup I’d experienced over the weekend and the upcoming anniversary of my mom’s passing on the 18th/19th. By now, I’ve withdrawn from all of my friends. I’m not talking to anyone, and (gasp) I’m not surfing Facebook. As I’m checking my e-mail, a new email message comes in from Facebook saying that someone added me as a friend. I clicked the link to see who this person was. The name wasn’t familiar. I looked at her very attractive face and that didn’t help either. As you can guess, she was from Florida, and I’ll just call her Michelle. But why? Why did she add me as a friend? I accepted her friend request without knowing how significant this little action would be. I made a benign comment on her current status. My comment was nothing earth-shattering. I was just trying to be friendly.

The next morning was Nov 18th, the anniversary of my mom’s passing. I updated my Facebook status to something about the fact that I was remembering my mom. I then signed off for a couple days. I had no plans to surf Facebook on the 18th or 19th. While I was offline, Michelle had followed up my comment with a very touching, heartfelt sentiment that brought tears to my eyes. From her comment, it was obvious that she had seen my status update. Without knowing the first thing about me, this girl knew the exact words to touch my heart deeply. And that’s how it’s been ever since.

I do not know where she came from. We have no mutual Facebook friends. We live a world apart. But her words have always been just what I needed to hear at the exact moment I needed to hear them. Her words have touched me deeper than anyone else’s words ever have. It’s certainly a strange thing to say and, had I not experienced this myself, I don’t think even I would understand it. I know at some point, people will take this to somehow mean that my move has to do with Michelle. Stay tuned and you will clearly see that it does not.

Within a couple days we were talking on Yahoo Messenger. I was usually logged into messenger with my cell phone and used SMS text messaging to talk to my YIM friends.

The long trip continues

Later that week, I finished training and drove up to my cousin’s house in Indiana. A couple times while I was there, I received phone calls from Betty. I spent at least one night and the next afternoon in my cousin’s bedroom crying, trying to free myself of the pain of the last couple days and this unexpected breakup. Each time, I was in great pain. But each time, Michelle would somehow know that she needed to IM me with God's words of truth into my life. Each time, my spirit was renewed . It seemed as though she always knew the exact moment to reach out to me. To this day, I still don’t understand it.

The mystery

Just as quickly as she appeared, Michelle would disappear. She wouldn’t be online, she wouldn’t be on Facebook, she was nowhere. It became obvious that she was only around when I was hurting. It seemed like she was an angel sent from God, only to be there to comfort me when I was in pain.

A couple weeks later, I was again visiting with Bobby and Lana on the weekend of what would have been my mom and dad’s anniversary. On Saturday, Bobby and I decided to go visit my mom and dad’s grave. While we were out, we also decided to visit the grave of Bob’s younger brother, John. Bob and I were out at the drag strip in Baytown, 75 miles away, on the day John was found murdered in his apartment. Standing at John’s grave that day, I was overcome with emotion. I felt the rush of all of the emotions of sadness and anger I felt on the day of John’s funeral. An hour later, as Lana and I sat tearfully on her couch reminiscing and crying about her recently passed mother, I receive yet another an IM on my phone from Michelle. This has become quite more than coincidence now. I’m convinced, this girl is an angel sent from God to comfort me. Within the hour, I was feeling much better and Michelle was gone again. I did not hear from her at all for a couple weeks after that.

By this time, I realized that Michelle was someone who would be vitally important in my life and I wanted to get to know her. Not knowing what else to do, on Dec 27th, I sent the following message to Michelle on Facebook.

I've never been one to wish pain upon anyone, least of all myself. But I'm wishing for it now. And I don't do this without a good understanding of what I might be asking. Strangely, I have a friend, or at least I think I do, who only appears in my life during times of my extreme pain. You see, she appeared first during the week before Thanksgiving when I was finally realizing the extent of my pain from the loss of my mother the year before. She appeared again on the second weekend of December, the weekend which would have been my mom and dad's anniversary (12/12), just brief hours after I'd visited my mom and dad's grave as well as the grave of my best friend's younger brother. As I sat there at his house, weeping with him and his wife over the senseless loss of his brother almost 20 years ago, wondering "why?"... she re-appeared. Unfortunately, I haven't heard from her since. And if it takes pain for me to hear from her again, then I'm ready. Some friends are pain-worthy. I hope I can hear from her soon. If you get this, can you give her my cell phone number? I'd be eternally grateful. Mark <>< 713-xxx-xxxx cell

Within hours, I received a text message from Michelle telling me she would call that evening.

Over the next two months, Michelle and I became very good friends. As I came to find out, my words touched her as well. We seemed to feed on each others emotions. We exchanged what have been some of the most profound dialog I’ve experienced in my life. Our conversations have covered a broad spectrum of topics. And it hasn’t matter what we talk about, we've loved the conversations we had. When we talked on the phone, we rarely had conversations that were less than 2 hours. We often found ourselves up very late at night, talking on the phone, neither able to hang up the phone. We were two kindred spirits. With every conversation, we found a multitude of shared traits, likes and dislikes. It was uncanny.

The fresh start

At the end of December, I started praying to God for a fresh start in my life. On occasion, I had even joked with my friends about wanting to be "1,000 miles from here". I had no idea how accurately I would get my wish. I was asking God that if He would grant me a fresh start, that He would guide my path and begin closing and opening doors. Within a day or two, I received a call from the owner of the home I lease. Her words were ominous. “Mark, I’m afraid I have some bad news for you. I’ve decided to put your house on the market. You’re going to have to move.” It was a loud “SLAM!” God had begun to close doors. I had just hoped he would open doors for me which were not in Houston. I really wanted to move away from my current situation. My landlord went on to explain that she didn’t expect this to happen any time soon but that I would likely need to move during the summer.

My friend Dave

While I lived in Pennsylvania, I led a couple different men’s Bible study groups out of my home. I had a friend named David E who was always a member of my groups. We met when he attended one of the first groups I had hosted. As it turned out, we work for the same company, but he was working in the office on the other side of town where I worked in when we first moved to PA. When my (now-) ex-wife decided we were moving to Texas, he and his wife had decided that they were going to move to Florida. A strange coincidence but no great significance at the time. Having been to each office to conduct some training in 1999, I told him about the offices in Orlando and Tampa. He decided to work in the Tampa office. He moved to Florida about three months before we moved back to Texas.

Dave E has been a faithful friend. He’s kept in touch with me and has prayed for me during my mom’s passing, my divorce and other very challenging circumstances. Near the end of January, he called to check up on me and asked again when I was going to come see him in Florida. I had been promising him I would make the trip “soon” for years. Again, I told him “soon”.

By the beginning of February, Michelle and I had talked about the possibility of meeting. I didn’t really see that happening, mostly out of my lack of self-confidence and my belief that such a meeting would only serve to harm our relationship, not help it. I felt it would be foolish for me to ruin a fantastic friendship by my selfish desire to meet her.

As we talked about this possibility, on the off chance that I decided to go through with it, I wondered how close Michelle lived to Dave. On Facebook, I could see that she lived in Lakeland. In a conversation, she mentioned that she was near Tampa, FL. Knowing Dave was working in the Tampa office, I decided to ask him if he knew where Lakeland was. His response? “Uh, yeah. I live in Lakeland, why?”. Wow! To me, this was a strange coincidence that both Michelle and Dave lived in the same town. So, I put it in the back of my mind that if I ever did fulfill my promise to Dave to come see him, I could also meet Michelle if I had the guts.

Late in February, while Michelle and I were discussing the fact that I had another friend who lived in Lakeland, she asked me to find out if my friend knew where her neighborhood was. She gave me the name of the neighborhood and I asked Dave. He said “Yeah, when we moved here we looked at moving into that neighborhood but we’re only like 5 miles from there now”. Another coincidence. Or was it? I started wondering if I should go ahead and make a trip to see Dave.

Somewhere around the same time, my ex-wife and daughter were finalizing their Spring Break plans. They planned to go to Pensacola and Panama City Beach for her Spring Break. My daughter asked me often if I would go with them. Unfortunately, as much as I would love to spend that much time with my daughter, I didn't want to commit to all that time with her mother.

California

The first week of March, I was in Pasadena, CA for team meetings. The following week was going to be my daughter’s Spring Break. While I was in California, I received numerous text messages from my daughter asking me if I had given any thought to going to Florida with them. To be honest, I’d given it a lot of thought but really didn’t want to go. But my daughter was persistent. On Tuesday night, back at the hotel I was talking on Facebook with a very good friend of mine from Jr/Sr high school named Jennifer. Jennifer knows a lot about my life experiences and I often use her as a sounding board for my life’s challenges During the conversation, I mentioned the unusual coincidence about how close Dave and Michelle live and how I feel like I need to go there to visit Dave and meet Michelle. She is surprised at the coincidences and asks, “Wait, what town do they live in?”

“Lakeland”, I say.

“Lakeland?” she asks. “Isn’t that where Sharon lives?”

“NO WAY!” I responded.

Jennifer and I have a mutual friend from Jr/Sr high school named Sharon. Sharon’s mom and my mom worked together and were VERY good friends when Sharon lived in Beaumont where I grew up. Unfortunately, during our high school years, Sharon and her family moved back to Florida. I’d lost contact with her for many years but she and I reconnected over the last couple years. When we reconnected, she told me the name of the town where she lived. But since I’d never heard of it and figured it was just one of those towns I would never visit, I just filed the information in the back of my head, never to be heard from again.

I caught Sharon on instant messenger the next morning. “What city do you live in there in Florida?”

“Lakeland, why?”, she asked.

Another coincidence.

By this time, perhaps my overactive, overly-analytic mind started to think that this might be where God wants me. While in Pasadena, I decided it was time take a trip and work a week in the Tampa office. I decided I would follow my ex and my daughter to Florida. While they went on to their hotel in Florida, I stopped an hour short and stayed again with my buddy David Driver in Mobile, AL. The next morning, I would make the drive the rest of the way to Dave E’s house in Lakeland.

The visit to Lakeland

I arrived in Lakeland on Sunday night. Dave E and I carpooled to work in the Tampa office the whole week except Friday. Monday evening, he and I went golfing, something he and I used to love to do in Pennsylvania. We tried to get a full round of golf in before the ranger had to chase us down, but we got in 12 holes.

Tuesday evening I met Michelle at a restaurant for dinner. My world was turned upside down. What an incredible woman she is. She is utterly captivating in mind, heart, spirit, conversation and beauty. She's also a dedicated mom. I was convinced that I just wanted to wrap my life around her.

On Wednesday night, Sharon and her family had me over for dinner. It was great getting to catch up with her and see how her life is going. Although she and I have talked on IM, nothing beats face-to-face conversation to catch up on the last 20+ years. (Did I just say that?)

On Thursday night, Dave E’s wife made dinner for me at their home. I offered to take everyone to dinner. His wife opted to cook dinner herself. She is such a great woman. Dave E is a very fortunate guy to have her.

On Friday morning, I headed out of town.

One of the things I had planned to do while in Lakeland was to look around for an apartment. I mean, after all, this is where God wants me, right? Well, once I arrived in Lakeland and realized what a long drive it had been from Spring to Lakeland (about 16 hours), I realized that I could never move that far from my daughter. That was just too much for me. I mean, having three friends in such a small area was a HUGE coincidence, but that’s not enough for me to move so far away from my daughter. I’d obviously misunderstood God’s signs. I was not meant to live in Lakeland. I’ve made a mistake.

During my visit, I only visited one apartment complex, and even that visit wasn’t intentional. On Thursday night, Dave E needed to check on his mother-in-law’s condo in the Village at Lake Highlands community. This community has both condos and apartments. While we were on the property, Dave E showed me where he and his wife lived when they moved down from PA. We also went into his mother-in-law’s place. While on the property, he showed me what the apartments looked like. I liked the neighborhood a lot and it was right next to the golf course Dave E and I had played Monday night. Close proximity to a golf course is always a good thing.

While in Lakeland, Michelle spoiled me. Other than the night we had dinner, she wasn’t available to spend any more time with me in person because it would mean giving up some of her obligations as a mother. That was something I wouldn't ask her to do. Instead, we spent hours every night on the phone. I think we were both amazed at all of our commonalities.

My faith is very important to me. Lately, I’ve been strongly considering getting back into an AG church. Dave E attends a large AG church there in Lakeland. Unfortunately, I didn’t get to see it when I was there. He told me it was all the way on the other side of town. Odd, I thought, that he would pick a church all the way on the other side of town because he's in a very church-rich area! I mean, as I was arriving at his house on Sunday night, he stayed on the phone with me giving me directions as I drove from the Polk Parkway to his house. In the just over 4 miles from the parkway to his house, I passed many churches.

During one of our conversations, Michelle and I discussed church. During the conversation, Michelle mentioned the church that she grew up in was way on the other side of town. If you were to guess that it's the same church that Dave E and his family attend, you would be right. Coincidence?

The trip home from Lakeland

So, it was time for me to leave town. I had to work Saturday morning and decided that to make best use of my time I would do the work from David Driver’s place in Mobile, AL. So I headed out of town on Friday on my way to Mobile. Saturday morning, I got work wrapped up. Just as I was finishing, my ex and my daughter met me at David D’s house so I could follow them home to Houston.

It rained pretty much the whole way home from Mobile to Houston. The trip which should have taken 8 or fewer hours took over 9. About 7 hours into the trip, I was almost repeating to myself in prayer “Lord, I can’t do this. I can’t move to Tampa. Three friends in one little town is a really big coincidence. But it's just that, a coincidence. I can’t do it, I can’t move this far from my daughter for three friends. It’s not enough!” Just then, I got a text message from Jim, the video director at church. He and I work closely together at church. I usually run the teleprompter, but whenever he is out, I am usually the person they contact to direct in his place. His text message simply asked “Hey, is next weekend the weekend you are unable to direct for me?” I responded “Yes, next weekend my friend is coming down from Chicago and we’re going to the rodeo”. His response was short and to the point, “OK. Just checking”. The conversation is now over.

As I put the phone back in my cup holder, I felt the Lord tell me to text Jim and tell him that I’m driving home from Tampa. I wondered “Why, Lord? Why will Jim even care that I’m driving home from Tampa?” I sent Jim a text message: “So, I’ll see you tomorrow morning at church. I’m just driving back from Tampa”. Very quickly I get a text message back “Dude, what were you doing in Tampa?” So I told him “Believe it or not, I was looking for a place to live”. My phone rings. It’s Jim. “Dude! Are you SERIOUS? You’re thinking about moving to Tampa? That’s awesome! Tampa’s the one town I fly into that I don’t have anyone to hang out with on my layovers. Dude, if you move to Tampa, I’ll get to see you more in there than I do here!” Ok, Lord. Make that FOUR friends.

Making the decision tougher

You may disagree, but it was clear to me that God wanted me to reconsider the move to Florida. I considered it (not-so-seriously) for about a month. This whole process has been very humbling for me. To think that the God of the universe would go through this much trouble for me, leaves me speechless. But even more so, I’ve heard Him speak to me several times. In these instances, it has not been an audible voice. But each time, I’ve heard him nonetheless.

I caused myself great pain trying to make this decision on my own. There are some issues I don’t mind dancing around but if this writing is going to be 100% honest as best I know it, I have to come clean about a couple things.

I am sure there is something in my head that wants more out of this relationship with Michelle. I mean, I get the whole fact that she's WAY too good for me. But emotionally, I am really not totally ready to invest my heart again. She and I became very close but it is clear to me that she deserves so much better than I ever hope to be. That’s not at all a self-deprecating statement. It’s just the truth. I think it's the small part of me that wants more from that relationship that has made it very difficult for me to make my decision. That small part of me, that Tuesday night, was convinced that I just wanted to wrap my life around her.

As I arrived home from Lakeland, knowing now that there are FOUR people in the area that I would know if I moved there, I was getting ready to go to bed. I felt the Lord speak to me about my decision I have been weighing. He told me that I needed to make this decision as if Michelle was not going to be involved in my life in Lakeland.

This was very hard to hear. To be honest, Michelle and I had become so close as friends. Excluding her from the equation is almost impossible. How do you just write someone important to you out of your life? This difficult detail dragged my decision out for a long time.

Just thinking about what I’d heard the Lord say, I couldn’t believe it. I waited and waited for things to go sour with Michelle. Surely that’s what’s going to happen, right? Surely I’m going to do or say something stupid and things will go south. I figured as soon as things between us went south, then I could make an objective decision. I waited and waited. It never happened. Instead, we just got closer.

The sermons

We all know how God sometimes speaks to us through our pastors and the message the pastor has for the week. The week before Easter, the message our pastor had was pretty clear to me. Two salient points:

“We have to trust God even when it doesn’t make sense”.

“We have to trust God even if it means disappointment”.

Both of these points applied to me. Moving to Florida and away from my daughter didn’t make sense and it surely would mean disappointment: Disappointment of not getting to see my daughter as often as I do now.

The pastor used the illustration of Abraham to emphasize his point. To me, I got it, even without all the illustration.

My cousin, Dave

During the month following my return from Lakeland, I had heard from my cousin, David Kordelski about a possible change in his work situation. Although he was now living in Wisconsin, he and I have been very close since we grew up together in Beaumont. On one of my trips to Chicago, I’d even made an evening trip to meet him in Portage, WI, about the halfway point between him and Chicago. So, for about a year or so, I’ve gotten various messages from him about moving away from Wisconsin. He’d thrown out names of towns all over this great country and I had REALLY (selfishly) been hoping he would decide on one in Texas so I might get to see him more often than once every 20 years.

It was now the week before Easter. I was at a Tuesday night vocal team rehearsal (4/7/09) for the Easter services. Before rehearsals started, I spoke on the phone with my friend Jennifer whom I mentioned earlier. I left out this detail earlier: when we were all in school, Jennifer and my cousin David were boyfriend/girlfriend. Strange how things come together, isn’t it? One of the questions she asked me was “What do you think about David and his job opportunities? Do you think it will be Florida? or Missouri?” Since she knew all of the coincidences of this journey I’ve been on, I answered simply “If it’s anything, it’s GOT to be Missouri because Florida would be WAY too much of a coincidence!”

During rehearsals, between his songs, I had been spending time discussing my situation with one of the worship leaders, Doc Holiday. Doc is one of the most genuine Christians I know. In the church I’m attending, Doc is, without a doubt, my role model. It doesn’t hurt that he comes from a poor upbrining like me, a Pentacostal church like me, AND he’s got a phenomenal voice, UNlike me. Doc’s assessment was clear. With a big grin he said, “With all those signs? You need to be heading east dude!”. I told Doc I didn’t think I could. “Why not?” he asked. “It means leaving my daughter here”. Immediately Doc’s expression changed and he said “Yeah. That’s a deal-breaker, dude!”.

With that, Doc shook his head and headed back onto the stage to rehearse his song for the Easter services. I prayed “Lord. I know you’ve now shown me four people in this small area who I will know if I move to the area. But it’s still not enough. I cannot leave my daughter for four friends. Yes, this is a huge coincidence but I think I have misunderstood your direction. I cannot do this.”. Before Doc had even started his song, I received a text message from Facebook. As you might be aware, you can configure Facebook to send you a text message when one of your favorite friends updates their status. My cousin David had updated his status. “Dave Kordelski had to tell kids first. I took a position in Naples,FL. I will start around May 1st. Family will come later. Really cool how it all came together!”

I couldn’t believe my eyes.

I immediately updated my status on Facebook. “Mark Kordelski CANNOT BELIEVE his cousin David is moving to Naples FL.”. Now, I have a best friend named Jen (not the same as "Jennifer") who is an atheist. I love her with all of my heart. If you knew her, you would too. She IS my best friend and during this journey I have been sharing these “coincidences” with her. All along, I’ve asked her “Is this a coincidence?”. “What about this?” “Another coincidence?”.

Within five minutes of my status update, Jen commented on my status: “another coincidence, huh?”

I responded: “No kidding. Waiting for David to call but my phone is about dead and I'm at rehearsals at church”.

It was as if God himself had said “OK, four friends is not enough? How about I throw in a 5th. Let’s even make him a relative! Oh, and let’s just make it someone you’re CLOSE TO, who you’ve been wanting to see more of. We good now?” I was blown away.

I talked to Dave on the phone on the way home from church that night. Dave had no idea what I was going through. He had no clue that I was even considering moving to Florida. From his perspective, the fact that he got the job in Naples was miraculous in and of itself. In fact, he followed up my comment on Facebook with a comment of his own to show how significant this was:

No coincidence, just God-incidents! Friday I thought I had two choices. Monday morning MO was off the table and based on an email Naples looked to have fallen apart as well. God had already opened the door to FL, I just didn't find out how he was leading till Monday afternoon. One little phone call changed every thing. In reality one GREAT BIG GOD changed everything just the way he planned. I am amazed and grateful. Also, excited, nervous, happy, anxious etc. I need to just keep trusting in Him and follow instead of trying to lead. Mark you are in my prayers for the difficult decisions ahead. Pray for wisdom and clarity.... P.S. Pray for a house on the beach close to your fave cuz (that would be me!) Peer pressure......."all your friends are doing it!!" ROFL Hang in there.

Pastor Rodney – decision time

By Friday morning, I received a message on my Facebook wall from my former pastor from the church where I was saved in Pennsylvania. Pastor Rodney was one of my closest friends in Pennsylvania. He was the men’s pastor and I was always hosting men’s Bible study groups. He was almost always in attendance. He now has his own AG church in Hazelton, PA. His message on my Facebook was almost ominous. “you owe me a call.570-xxx-xxxx”. I was pretty sure I knew what this was about but I wasn’t sure I wanted to face it.

By Easter Sunday, I knew I needed to call Pastor Rodney. On my way home from our last Easter service I called, explained the entire situation to him and he asked me a couple simple questions. First, “What do you feel God is telling you to do?” I told him I felt it was clear to me that God wants me in Lakeland for some reason. He asked “so why don’t you just do it?” I told him “I can’t leave my daughter! Why would God want me to leave my daughter?” He said “Well, that is understandable. But how much would it cost for you to fly her from Houston to Tampa?” I told him “I dunno. Maybe $200 or $250?” He said “Well, surely you could budget that in every couple months, right?” “Yes”, I said.

“So what else?” was his next question. I said “That’s it, but that’s a pretty big deal!”. He said “Yes, it’s a big deal, but we’ve already resolved that, right?” “Yes”, I said.

So Pastor Rodney asked again “What do you feel God is wanting you to do”. “Move to Lakeland” I responded. His next question hit my like a ton of bricks. There’s nothing like a pastor who speaks the truth to you in love.

“So, if you are confident that this is what God wants you to do, why are you choosing to be disobedient?”

Ouch!

He told me I need to make a choice and set a timetable. So I did. I decided while I was on the phone with him to make the move. The timetable would have to come later.

Easing the burden

The week after Easter, on Tuesday April 14th, the ex-wife came over and I was doing her taxes. I made the difficult decision to tell her about about my choice to move to Florida. She had heard rumors from my daughter, but didn't get it officially from me yet. I expected her to be very upset and I was expecting an argument to ensue. That’s actually why I told her before I started her taxes. Considering the fact that the next day was Tax Day she pretty much needed me to do her taxes. She couldn’t afford to make me angry. She was surprisingly calm. She told me that it was good because they would likely be moving too. It was something she had been considering for a while, unbeknownst to me. That night, she said they were moving back up to Pennsylvania, but I knew in my heart that she’s been wanting to move back to Florida as long as I’ve known her. Since that night, she and my daughter have decided to move to Florida, near Pensacola. That will be good for all of us, as the drive to see my daughter will only be about 6 hours instead of 16.

Where to live?

I made my decision to move on Easter Sunday. I’ve now been satisfied with my decision. I’m content.

On the first of May, I decided finally get off my butt and do some looking around online for apartments. As I mentioned, I was already aware of the apartments at the Village of Lake Highland. But Michelle had kidded with me that she wanted me to live close to her so she could ride her bike to my place and drink my Gatorade. She’d even told me I should move into the house across the street from her to make it easy. I found an apartment complex named Huntington at Sundance. It was close to Michelle but it was a little out of the way if Dave E and I should decide to continue to carpool to the Tampa offices. I decided this is where I want to live.

I contacted their office and even had them e-mail me all of the paperwork I needed to get the ball rolling. But something didn’t feel right. I didn’t know what it was. I put off getting the paperwork started. I just put it off.

I knew that I wanted to give my landlord 60 days notice. I also knew that it was now May 1st and if I was going to be in Florida for the beginning of July, I needed to act now. For some reason, I just didn’t feel right. Something in me was unsettled.

Days later, on May 5th, Michelle text me asking if I had set a move date yet. I remember at least once giving her the excuse that I’d forgotten. After receiving her text, I decided to go ahead and get the ball rolling. The Huntington at Sundance apartments had a web site where I could pay $10 to fill out the necessary paperwork to pre-certify with them. Because of the bankruptcy that was one of the very fortunate outcomes of my divorce, I knew I would have some problems, I just didn’t know how much. In our phone conversations, the complex had told me that people like me with poor credit usually just have to provide a larger down payment. I was fine with that.

So I went online and filled out the online form, paid my $10 to pre-certify and was promptly declined. I called the manager and asked about it. She looked everything over and simply said that without a co-signer, there was nothing she could do. I asked if there was anyone to whom I could a letter explaining my case. She told me that she was the property manager, gave me her e-mail address and agreed to review my e-mail. I wrote an impassioned letter explaining all the reasons I felt they should feel ok leasing to me.

I was so disgusted by the denial, I went to lunch with my co-worker. While we were having lunch, wouldn’t you know that I received a call from my landlord informing me that she had decided not to put the house on the market and I can stay as long as I like. What?!?

That was when I felt the Lord speak to me. This message was not as direct as the last one, but to me it clearly referred back to the message I'd received about making my decision under the assumption that she was not going to be a part of my life. I can't really put the message into words but it was something like "She's not a part of your life" or "She's not going to be a part of your life". The message was more of a burden to my heart than spoken words and it just kept replaying over and over in my head the rest of the day. Needless to say, I was disheartened, but I should have seen it coming.

I never received a response to my e-mail to Huntington at Sundance. Clearly God did not want me that close to Michelle. I should have known. Besides, like I said, it just didn't feel right.

Despite this news, I believe I have been able to work it out to be able to rent a place at Village at Lake Highlands. Is it coincidence that MapQuest shows the driving distance between my home and the Village at Lake Highlands is 1,002 miles? I think I can feel comfortable rounding that out to 1,000 miles. Coincidence? What about Huntington at Sundance? That would have been 1,026 miles. I wouldn’t have felt as comfortable about rounding that out to 1,000 miles. Looks like I might get my way on the “1,000 miles from here” request. We'll see. Stay tuned.

So it’s all about the girl right?

Wrong.

Things continued to grow strong between me and Michelle until about a week ago. In April, I bought her some gifts for her birthday (and for Easter) back in April. In exchange, for my birthday in May, she went above and beyond and made my birthday incredibly memorable.

After my birthday, somehow, things between us have become strained. I am not sure why but at least I knew it was coming. God was nice enough to give me a little warning to prepare myself for this. I still hope that I misunderstood the message that day. That perhaps she WILL be a part of my life.

But this does not alter my plans. I still feel God wants me there. I still don’t know why, but I have to believe He knows why He has a plan.

And I’m moving.

To Florida.

Travels, travels, travels

I’ve been traveling since the beginning of March. Haven’t had time to write anything. Don’t worry, I recognize that this is about the lamest excuse but right now it’s all I’ve got. To be completely honest, this has been the most emotional month for me since my mom passed away in November, 2007. Besides, I know how long-winded I am when I write and I haven’t really been much in the mood to spill my emotions all over my laptop keyboard.

Pasadena

I spent the first week of March in Pasadena, CA. Surely, many people think that a trip to the L.A. area sounds like a lot of fun. Strangely, I’m not one of them. This was a business trip and one that I’ve made many times before. I have completely lost track of how many times I’ve been to Pasadena and L.A. It no longer really holds a whole lot of excitement for me.

The trip was for a team meeting, but not just for the SharePoint team I’m on, but also the web administration team (which I once was the only member of) and the database administration team (which I once turned down the opportunity to lead). One of my friends, who I look at as “heavenly sandpaper” is Brett. Brett has always rubbed me the wrong way. He’s always been very arrogant and abrasive (like me). Also like me, he’s really come around. Now we’re like really close brothers. This trip gave me my first opportunity to share with him on a personal level all the things that happened in my marriage, divorce, and other associated legal proceedings that I hope to one day have behind me.

Rehashing my last year or more made this very emotional to me. But it was a good trip because I also got to meet a couple co-workers who I normally only talk to on the phone.

Tampa

One of the things I’ve been thinking of doing for a very long time is moving, and not like across the neighborhood or even across town. More like across country. This is so totally not the easiest decision to make. One of the places that I’ve been thinking strongly about is Tampa. To be honest and thorough, I have to say that I really feel like God is guiding me to Tampa.

1. Some time ago, I got back in contact with a friend of mine from junior high and high school. I found out that she moved to some town in Florida I’d never heard of. Because I didn’t recognize the name of the town, I just tucked it deep in the recesses of my brain that she was there just in case I ever made a trip to Florida, I could go see her.

2. When I was moving back to Texas after 8 years in Pennsylvania, I was leading several men’s Bible study small groups out of my home in conjunction with my church. During this time, I became really good friends of one of the guys who was in all of my men’s groups. His name is Dave and it was no coincidence that he worked at the same company I did. Several months before I moved back to Texas, he and his family moved to Florida to some town I’d never heard of. I remembered that he was working in the Tampa office because that was one of the offices I visited in ‘99 with work.

3. In November, after dating a girl for several months, we had a disagreement and it was clear that it was over.  It was just a couple days before the anniversary of my mom’s passing. Two days later, a girl added me as a friend on Facebook. I have no idea who she was or where she came from, only knew that she is from the Tampa area. On the day of the anniversary of my mom’s passing, I had my status indicating that I was commemorating my mom’s passing. This girl from the Tampa area left me a note on my Facebook wall that was incredibly compassionate. To say the least, it was just what I needed to hear at the exact moment I needed to hear it.

Over the next couple months, she and I exchanged conversation. It seemed that her every word to me was crafted with an uncanny insight into my life and was injected with some of the most compassionate words. She has always known the exact words to say at the exact moment I needed to hear them. I am a notoriously sensitive guy. Since my mom passed, I get emotional easily. This girl had a way of making me cry with every word I read.

So as I got to know her, I came to find out she lived in a small town named Lakeland, which is near Tampa. So I asked my friend Dave, who works in the Tampa office and who has been bugging me to come see him for a couple years now, if he knew where Lakeland is. Come to find out, that’s where Dave lives. So I have to wonder, is this a coincidence? No, I don’t believe in coincidences. I have had the great blessing of hearing God speak to me several times, and although this was not the norm, this was one of the way God has spoken to me. I’ve heard “Coincidence is God’s way of remaining anonymous”.

I have a penchant for using my friends for my own personal counselors. I mean, I just ended a nearly two year series of meetings with a real counselor but it’s always good to get an opinion from a friend about “am I insane, or what?”. My good friend Jennifer from high school is pretty up-to-date with everything going on in my life. I explained this coincidence to her. Am I crazy? I’m thinking about moving, is God pointing me toward Lakeland/Tampa? Her response was not exactly what I was expecting. “Lakeland, Florida? Isn’t that where Sharon lives?” Sure enough, I catch Sharon on IM the next morning and ask her the name of the town she lives in. “Lakeland”

I’m not one to believe in coincidences so I have to assume this is God talking to me. And my daughter has been bugging me to go and spend at least one day with her and her mom on Spring Break in Florida.  I’m not in any hurry to spend a lot of time around her mom, so I decided I could follow them to Florida and continue on to Tampa to visit with friends. I’ll come back and spend a night or two with them at the camp site. Besides, I have a buddy named Dave in Mobile (not the same as the one in Tampa) I could spend the night with on the way down and on the way back.

So my flight from Pasadena lands Thursday night. I get home about 9:30p and do my laundry before going to bed. I go into the office on Friday and then directly off to my Bible study Friday night. I get home from Bible study and pack my bags. First thing Saturday morning, I’m on the road to Florida.

I spend Saturday night with my buddy Dave in Mobile while the ex and my daughter continue on to Pensacola for the night. Dave and I are drag racing addicts (neither of us profess to be “recovering addicts”). We stayed up watching racing, car shows and racing. I mention to Dave that I’m going to Lakeland to look for a place to live and explain my reasoning and my challenges. He throws out the idea of moving in with him since he’s lived alone since his divorce 12 years ago. I’m taking this seriously now.

I head out Sunday morning and drive to Lakeland to my (other) buddy Dave’s house. I visit with Dave and then hit the sack.

One of the nice aspects of this trip is that I get to work in the Tampa office while visiting friends in Florida. Is that great or what? Even better, since I’m staying with Dave who works in the Tampa office, I get to carpool! After work on Monday night, I go golfing with Dave at Bramble Ridge. Tuesday night I have dinner with my Facebook friend. Wednesday night I spend the evening at my friend Sharon’s house.

I was planning on driving back north on Thursday and spending Thursday night with my daughter and ex-wife at their cabin but work didn’t go so well. I ended up having to work on Thursday and Thursday evening I offered to take Dave and his wife to eat as thanks for putting me up for the week. Instead, Dave’s wife prefers to cook dinner and stay in. Friday morning, I drive back north and spend the night instead with Dave in Mobile because I have to work first thing Saturday morning. Saturday afternoon I head back to Houston. The 8 hour drive turns into 9-1/2 because of the non-stop rain.

Back Home Briefly

I was back home for a couple days this week.  I had an appointment with a dietician (will be another blog post) and decided to start Monday night with my exercise program. Went to the track in my neighborhood and walked a mile. Seemed like enough for the first night.

I spend working in the office, catching up on things. My best friend in the whole world, Jen, is flying in from Chicago Thursday afternoon for the weekend. I was planning on taking all of Thursday and Friday off. Was going to spend Thursday doing some last minute cleaning around here. Again, I ended up working Thursday morning. I left the office to pick her up at the airport. After picking her up, we went to pick up my daughter and from there went to eat at Houston’s Restaurant on Kirby. The filet mignon was to die for.

Friday morning, after taking my daughter to school, Jen and I head out to San Antonio for the day. We spend almost 5 hours walking around San Antonio. By that time, we were both spent and ready for the 3+ hour drive home.

We had tickets for the Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo on Saturday night. Jen saw that they were having a cavy show that morning, so we were up early in the morning, went to pick up my daughter, and we went to the cavy show at 8a. Being an avid guinea pig lover/owner, this cavy show was non-negotiable. After that, I took her down to look around the Ike decimated Galveston and we were going to eat at the Kemah Boardwalk. Unfortunately, time wasn’t on our side, neither was the mile-long line to get into the boardwalk area. So we at at Fuddruckers on NASA 1 in Clear Lake, directly across from the Johnson Space Center. We left there and went to the rodeo where I learned it’s not always a good idea to bring a PETA aficionado to a rodeo. :-)

Sunday morning, I took Jen to the airport and returned home to an empty house and the realization that life is not all about traveling and happy times with friends. I sat demoralized in my bed and wondered what I will do next. Around sunset, I decided to go to the track and walk. Thought maybe I would just walk a mile or so. A mile turned into two, two turned into three, three turned into four and I finally realized that I feel as good after four miles as I did after one. How often do I feel good enough to walk 5 miles. So I walked 5 miles. Quite an accomplishment for a tubbo like me. But I paid the price today with sore muscles and joints all day.

Now to decide what I’ll do for the rest of today. Should I go walk?

Facebook, looks like you’re stuck with me!

An acquaintance of mine recently mentioned that he was going to give up Facebook for Lent. Although a totally honorable gesture and definitely a major sacrifice for a fellow IT professional, “totally insane” is what I thought. I could never do that. Wait a minute, did I just say that? Do I really believe I could never do that? Maybe I can. Maybe I need to challenge myself.

So, I decide to give up Facebook for a while. It seems to rob me of my time in the evenings anyway, why shouldn’t I give it up?

So, I “gave it up” (in the mildest sense possible). I decided I wouldn’t go back on there. I can do this, right? Apparently not, I found. It was very soon discovered that I cannot resist the temptation. It’s time for me to take drastic measures. So, Thursday night (2/26) I posted a status updating to everyone letting them know I was going dark for a while. At around 9:30pm, I deactivated my Facebook account.

The deactivation process is an interesting one. The first thing they do when you tell them you want to deactivate your account is present you with a screen which asks you to confirm that you want to close your Facebook account. On this screen, they try to guilt you into staying by showing you great, big pictures of about 4 or 5 of your “friends”, each with the caption “[Insert Name] will miss you!”. This is a nice concept, but it fails in execution. Facebook needs to work on their algorithm for selecting these pictures because, of my 116 friends on Facebook, they seemed to pick the 5 people who I never hear from anyway. Guilt trip.. denied!

Friday morning comes and I encounter a steady stream of text messages, IMs and phone calls, some really rude, asking me “why did you delete me from your friends list?”. One text message, despite being truncated due to its length, goes so far as to question my Christianity saying “Bible verses on your profile would be more effective if you actually treated your friends as friends. If you're going to talk the talk then wa”. I think we all know the rest of this message, don’t we? Another said “Not friends anymore? Nice!”.

Wow.

I reactivated my Facebook tonight. True, I’ll lean on this crutch and pretend its because I don’t like upsetting my friends, but we all know the truth, don’t we? I’m just not strong enough to stay off of Facebook.

The 4th Weekend

I woke up early today to do some preparation work for a “sysmod” (system modification) that a co-worker in California and I were supposed to do at 10a. No sleeping in for me. I got all my prep work done just in time for the sysmod to commence at 10am. I then sat and waited for my co-worker to call. Around 10:45a , I vaguely remembered a discussion we’d had very late in the day Friday. The conversation occurred while I was very, very busy pushing out the latest development build to the Q/A and staging servers. In the conversation, we agreed to reschedule this weekend’s work until next weekend. D’oh!

The obvious next chore was to get some laundry done. I’m leaving town on Monday, headed to California on business for a couple days. I need some clean clothes for the trip. I’ll be at the corporate offices, so I need to make sure my dress shirts and ties are ready to go. Nothing says “I’m a professional” more than a pressed dress shirt, slacks and tie, right? Personally, I’d rather be judged for the 16 years of dedicated, kick-ass service I have provided the company.

Speaking of 16 years of service, some obscure company policy at work was recently changed. The good news is that because of this change (oh yeah, and the 16 years of dedicated service) I now get to park in the “Reserved” lot. The bad news is that the email announcing this to me also mentioned that access to the reserved lot doesn’t guarantee me a parking spot, just access to the lot. Huh? Anyway, I guess I shouldn’t be too sore that the new parking privileges begin the week I’m out of town.

Starting the laundry really gave me a kick in the rear. I washed, dried and put away my dishes, cleaned both of my kitchen counters, scrubbed my kitchen sink, organized the papers I had on the bar (kinda, but too long a story to tell), vacuumed my living room and computer room, re-arranged my couch, cleaned my daughter’s bathroom, washed the windows, picked up my room. It seemed nothing could stop me. Well, except for the fact that I had to be at church at 2:30p.

This is my weekend at church. I spend the 4th weekend of every month serving in the technical ministry operating the teleprompter. Serving in the ministry is always fulfilling but there’s really nothing noteworthy or glamorous about the teleprompter. Usually, it’s not very difficult. Sometimes it’s very frustrating. And with the exception of the satisfaction you get from knowing that you are serving in the ministry, it’s a very unrewarding task. If you do your job correctly, no one notices you, no one thanks you, no one really seems to notice you're there. But screw up once? Oh man.

All the work I’d been doing at the house came to a halt when I looked at the clock and noticed it was already 2pm. Ummmm… It takes 20 minutes to get to church and I definitely need to shower. So I’m heading to church and text my friend Jim. I don’t know what Jim’s exact title is but he sure seems to be the glue that holds our productions together. If you have a question, you ask Jim. I text Jim and let him know I’m running 10 – 15 minutes late. He texts me back while I’m flying down I-45. “Rehearsal doesn’t start until 3. Will you be here by then?”. Uh, YEAH. I mean, seriously. I now have time to stop for lunch.

So as I pull into the Burger King near church, my friend Anne starts texting me. Seems she’s sitting in her van with her kids waiting for her husband to get out of a meeting. It seems they were waiting outside until it started raining. Poor Anne. I had to break it to her that we were having beautiful weather. I even snapped the pictures below. The first looks out my windshield at the beautiful sky above while I’m parked in the church’s back lot, eating my lunch, getting ready to go into rehearsals.

This second picture shows our baptistery (right) and the pond on the south side of the church. To get an aerial view via Google Maps, click here.

After church, I brought my daughter some stuff she’d left at my house Thursday night. I figure she’ll need her hair straightener, shampoo and conditioner before I get back from California… whether she likes it or not :-)

I’m spending the rest of my night watching stuff so I can delete it from my DVR. There’s nothing worse than missing your favorite shows while you’re out of town, is there? Oh right, there is: missing your favorite shows while you’re out of town when you HAVE a DVR but can’t record on the DVR because it’s FULL and you just THINK you’re recording your shows while you’re away.

Windows Live Writer

There’s been lots of buzz on Twitter lately among the SharePoint Twitterati expounding on the many virtues of the new Windows Live Writer. I decided to try it out. Here goes nothing.

I think it’s time that I start blogging. I mean, all my friends, family and even some of my co-workers are doing it.  I really need to be just as cool as them, right?

The truth is, I’ve never strived to be cool. Until I bought my printer about two years ago, I had never owned a scanner. I know, a computer guy without a scanner. Sacrilege! And speaking of not following the cool trends, would you believe that I’ve never used EBAY? Nope, never. Not once to buy nor to sell. In fact, I’ve never used any online auction to buy or sell anything. But with my impending move, I really do need to get rid of some stuff so if you happen to read this, please provide me with some advice on what to do or what not to do and how to get the biggest benefit and avoid getting ripped off on ebay. 

Speaking of who’s reading this, I’m guessing something pretty close to nobody is reading this blog. I’ve linked to the blog from my Facebook account but I doubt anyone’s noticed it.  If you do happen to be reading this, please accept my humblest of apologies. I am what is known as “verbose”. I tend to go overboard with details. The thing is, in recent years, the main thing I’ve been writing is technical reports and in the type of work I do, I feel compelled to include every minute detail. I mean, really… who likes to find out that the documentation they just read isn’t comprehensive? The truth is, I used to write. Any I used to write some really cool stuff. I used to write comedy and I used to write poems. Yes, poems. I said it. Why?

I will do anything to write like I used to. I hope that by blogging I will get back to my old style. Funny would be nice, poetic would be nice, funny poetic would be… OK, I think that would be a little too “Weird Al” for me.

My very own blog!

Yes, I deleted everything previously on my blog. Seems now that the divorce (and other things) is final, there's no sense being reminded of the past. Time to move forward.

Any ideas or thoughts I might ever happen to have, I'll post here. So check back here to see if I've had any thoughts.

Mark <><