Can you say "DENIAL"?

13 FEB 2013
(in response to my previous blog post from 16 MAY 2009)

Can you say "DENIAL"?

Introduction

It's hard to believe I've been in Florida for 3 years, 6 months, and 29 days. And it's hard to believe that it's been about 3 years, 8 months and 29 days since I updated this blog. Many think I forgot about it, but I haven't. In fact, I still talk about it and still use it from time to time when people ask me how I ended up in Florida. I like to use my last blog post as a litmus test to see if people really care when they ask how I got here... or if they were just making small talk. If they care, they will read that behemoth. If they were just making small talk, they usually just read the first paragraph, if that.

Many times I've considered writing a follow up. I've had quite a few people ask me what's the latest. I haven't for several reasons. First, for some stupid reason, I've always wanted that blog post to be at the top of the blog listing. Second, it took me a week to write that blog post and its content spans the events of my life over about 3 months (from 5 months before my move to 2 months before my move to Florida). It's now been over 3-1/2 years. I shutter to think how long it will take to write an update. And last, I've always felt that when I follow up that post, I will be closing a door... a door which really needs to be closed but one I don't have the heart to close.

But the time has come. It's time to get crack-a-lackin.

Clarifications

I always knew that if I wrote an update, I would have to start out by making some corrections/clarifications to the last post. Once I published that article, I tried to reach a point where it was set in stone, no updates, no edits, no corrections. I wanted that "last modified" date to be unchanging.  Because in my mind, if an article gets changed frequently, it loses credibility. So even though it took a week to write, most of that time was trying to put it into a coherent form. And in my haste to set it in stone, there were some things which I didn't provide the appropriate attention to detail nor did I review its continuity which, as it turns out, is lacking in spots.

In the section "Along came an angel", I talk about a girl who I name Michelle. As I mentioned, it's not her real name, but she becomes one of the key players of my story. At the time when she added me as a friend on Facebook, I had no idea where she came from. I had honestly been in Florida for a year before I found out where she had come from. She and I had met on an app on Facebook. She assumed I always knew. I didn't.

In the section "The mystery", I mention my friends Bobby and Lana whom I've known most of my life. I met Lana, her siblings and her parents in 1976 within the first week of moving to Texas during the summer before my 4th grade year. Although I'm still good friends and keep in touch with Lana's siblings, unfortunately my near-lifelong friend Lana passed away May 30th, 2009, just two weeks after I wrote my last blog post, and about 6 weeks before I moved to Texas. My heart still grieves the loss of my dear friend but I know I will see her again someday. The loss of my mom a year and a half before that was the toughest loss I've endured. Losing Lana hurt almost as bad.

In the section "The fresh start", I've had many people ask me why I prayed for a fresh start. To be blunt, I had been through a lot. As I mentioned, my divorce ended badly. I won't share the many, many details of the divorce because to date I still have not shared them with my now-18 year old daughter. If the divorce wasn't bad enough, as soon as the divorce was filed, I was filing bankruptcy. Not that I wanted to, but because I knew that was 1) the only way I could meet my obligation of child support as a father, 2) going to haunt me for years to come, and 3) the only way I could get out of a really bad situation. And let's not forget that my dear mother, who I was very close to, passed away two days after I retained an attorney for my divorce and bankruptcy. I'd been through a lot in a short time before and I had an ex-wife who was still leaning on me financially, emotionally and physically  and I had had enough.

In the section "My friend Dave", I mention that "Michelle and I had talked about the possibility of meeting". That is poorly written and is misleading. It makes it sound like I was onboard with the idea of meeting her face to face the whole time. And I left out one of the important points of the reason I mentioned this with Dave at all. When Dave asked in January when I was going to come and see him, he asked in this manner... "You should come to Florida and stay with me. We can hang out. There's lots to do here. Besides, you could really use a break." That night when Michelle and I talked on the phone, she raised the subject for the first time by saying something strikingly similar: "You should come to Florida. We can meet and hang out. There's lots to do here. Besides, you cold really use a break." And as shocked as I was at the similarity of invites, I wasn't so enthused about meeting Michelle. Though I'm now ashamed that I said it, I believe my actual words were "I don't know you. I don't think meeting would be a good idea. I think that it's a nice thought, but I can't see myself doing that." But by February, I had clearly started warming to the idea.

Also in "My friend Dave", I mention my friend Jennifer telling me that our mutual friend from school, Sharon, also lived in Lakeland. I incorrectly said that Sharon's mom and my mom worked together. I'm not sure where that came from. Actually, my mom worked for the same company as, and knew well, her dad and brother and my mom was very good friends with Sharon's mom.

In the section "The trip home from Lakeland", I mention my friend Jim. At some point I mention him being in Tampa for layovers. I forgot to explain that Jim is a pilot for Southwest Airlines and flies into Tampa often (or at least he did until I moved to the area).

In the section "My cousin Dave", I mention my friend Jen (not the same as "Jennifer") the atheist (who, by "coincidence", was the one who was coming down from Chicago earlier in my story, preventing me from being able to direct for Jim). About two and a half years ago, I'm happy to proclaim that Jen was freed from the shackles of atheism and has become a Christian. That makes me so happy!

In the section "Where to live", I mention how my landlord tells me that she's decided not to sell and I can stay. Then I mention that I heard from God again. To clarify this, the e-mail I'd sent to Huntington at Sundance apartments was immediately before lunch. As soon as I'd sent it, my co-worker Charlie and I headed to eat lunch at Jason's Deli. It was on the ride to lunch that out of the blue, I felt I'd been transported somewhere and heard the message from God. It was unusual, because this was the only time I have ever heard God speak to me outside of a prayer time. This was on the ride to lunch. What's more, I remember when I regained my wits, Charlie looked at me from the driver's sea like I had grown a 3rd arm from my forehead. He said I wasn't breathing and I was pale as a sheet. And the part that bothers me the most, I couldn't remember the exact wording I had heard. I was even having a difficult time paraphrasing it, though I knew exactly what the message was and I wasn't happy about it.

Later in that section, I stated that I believed I had secured a place to live in Village at Lake Highland and that is correct. I've been here ever since.

Still before the move

I guess at this point, I have to consider how do I update you on what has happened in the years since. It doesn't make sense to go into any great detail because I could write for a month and not finish my update. I did have some additional things to report which still happened before the move to Florida.

At the end of May, just two weeks after my previous post, I drove down to Florida to put my deposit on the apartment. Because my cousin Dave had moved to Naples on May 1st, I decided to start my trip off with a visit to my cousin's house. I had only seen him once in the last 20-some years. I was looking forward to visiting with him again.

In preparation for the trip, I asked Michelle if I would get to see her on my trip. The first time I asked her, she said "Of course". As I was leaving on the trip, I asked again and her answer had changed to "We'll see". While I was in town, she had so much going on, I could see that she didn't have time for me. To show her she still meant the world to me, whether I got to see her or not, on Friday I sent her flowers. That evening, she asked me to come over. While I was there, I worked on her daughter's laptop until around 3am. I think I got to sleep around 4am. It wasn't easy when you consider I was planning on leaving for Texas in the morning at 10am. My friend Dave E whom I was again staying with, wanted me to watch a movie with him before he left. I figured we would get up at 8 and watch the movie until 10 and I would leave. When he tried to wake me at 8 I told him to try again at 10. I was up at 10, watched the movie and left at noon. On my way out of town, I stopped to get gas. As I pulled up to the pump, my friend Bobby called in tears and screaming in pain to let me know that Lana had passed in her sleep the night before. I wanted so badly to rush and go directly to Bobby, but on so little sleep, I couldn't do it. I stopped halfway in Mobile, AL.

Another item... I had a friend from high school named Desiree. I had actually taken her to the prom my Senior year. Unfortunately, after my senior year, she disappeared and I never heard from her again. During the years that followed, I tried many avenues to find her but to no avail. Sometime in June, the month before I moved to Florida, I received a friend request on Facebook from Desiree. She was married with two kids and living... yep, in Tampa. So now I had Michelle, Dave E, Sharon, Jim, my cousin Dave K and Desiree all in this small area of Central Florida, where just three months before I had no one. It seemed God was just showing off.

Questioning the move

So at this point I had made the move to Florida. I'm here. All my stuff is here. My job is now here in Tampa. But that's it. God had orchestrated this huge effort to move me to Florida. And he used friends, family and a possible romantic interest to get me here. Quite impressive. Until I got here, that is. As it turned out, all that vaporized.

• Dave E was working in Georgia during the week. He flew out Monday morning and flew home Friday evening. His weekends were spent with his family and taking care of things he couldn't take care of during the week. I couldn't infringe on that.
• My cousin Dave K was still training for his new air traffic control job at the Naples airport. He was working long shifts and crazy hours. He didn't have time for me.
• Sharon was busy planning her son Matt's wedding in September, 2009. She was working and planning and was never available.
• Jim, though he had been flying into Tampa weekly until moved here, was no longer on that route. In fact, to this day, I've only seen Jim in Tampa 3 times.
• Desiree, her husband and two kids were all in school and she and her hubby were working and raising two boys. She didn't have time for me.
• Michelle, for some reason, just wasn't available for me. I will go into more detail about this later.

So, even though God got me here by making it look like I would never be bored in Florida, it was now more like he dropped me in Florida all by myself with no friends, no family, no nothing, and forgot about me. I was miserable, questioning God, questioning my move, questioning if all my "reasons for moving to Florida" really were simple coincidence. Maybe I had made it up in my head and told myself this lie. I didn't know. But I knew I missed my daughter terribly and missed my friends from Texas who were always available when I lived there.

Simply not available

Though it bothered me that none of my friends or family were available, it bothered me the most that Michelle, who I was so close to in Texas, just didn't have time for me.  In fact, I felt as though she was barely talking to me. I felt as though she was turning her back on me. I talked to Michelle about it and she said I was being hypersensitive. At the time, I refused to accept that answer. Like really rejected that answer. Looking back, I know that I do have a well-established pattern of being hypersensitive. I'm no longer sure. Perhaps I drove her away. I sure hope not. Perhaps it was just part of God's plan.

My church

In my previous post, I mentioned how my friend Dave E was attending the church that Michelle grew up in. Before I moved, I had even emailed the ministry leaders to let them know of my intent to move and my interest in assisting with the video ministry and discussed my background running teleprompter and being one of the I-Mag directors at the Woodlands Church in Houston. The first couple weeks after I arrived, I was mad at God for dumping me here with no one after giving me the illusion that I had this support system already here. Because of my bitterness, I sat home from church the first couple weeks. Eventually I relented. I went to church and between service went and introduced myself to the ministry leader. Though it's a sizable church, their video equipment was limited and dated. But as coincidence (?) would have it, they were in the process of upgrading to HD equipment and most of the people in the ministry lacked the skills of using such equipment. I started to believe that part of the reason I was here might be because Victory needed me right then to help out with this transition to the new equipment. At the time, Amanda was pretty much the only video director and the church only had two main camcorder-grade cameras in use. It has really grown since then!

Back to Michelle

To say that we've had a rocky road is an understatement. For a couple years, the only time she would see me was when my daughter was in town. Her daughter and my daughter get along so well. She's always said she wouldn't date until her daughter was out of school and I respected that but have always enjoyed the times we get together I am rarely happier than when I'm with her. I feel like the king of the world. We've never had a relationship, we've had dinner here and there, but nothing more than that.

In the years that I've been here, I have done my best to try to put her behind me. When it was clear that Michelle was not no longer interested, I joined PlentyOfFish.com. In the year that followed, I would say I easily went on 50+ first dates, maybe 3 second dates, and only one third date. That kind of fun can have a serious negative effect on a person's belief in himself. While I began to come to grips with the fact that I was either too picky or too undesirable (depending on who you asked), I shared my escapades with close friends like Sharon. We began to make nicknames for all of them as they all had their own reasons why it didn't work out. I gave up.

Along came Holly

It's a difficult paradigm to live, but I've always heard that God won't show you the one you're looking for until you give up looking for her. It's how I met Michelle. And it's also how I met Holly. And once again, Facebook was the intermediary. I was just playing a game of Farkle on Facebook after everyone had gone to bed while I was visiting my cousin in Indiana for Thanksgiving. I was having a rather entertaining conversation with the girl I was playing with. We played together for a couple hours. We moved our conversation over to Yahoo IM and then the next night, she asked me to add her on Facebook and I did. It was then that I found out that she was not yet divorced but was in the final steps of finalizing her divorce. Needless to say, I had forgotten all about Betty and the perils of getting involved with someone who is not single or divorced. I will skip over all of the sappy-wonderful words I could use to describe her, but this woman had done what no one had done before. She had gotten me to (almost) forget about Michelle. It didn't matter to either of us that she lived in South Carolina and I lived in Florida. We saw each other almost every weekend. I met her kids and they often said how much they enjoyed seeing their mom happy again. I had been to her place, she had been to mine. We dated for almost a year when I realized without a doubt that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. We talked about me applying for a job with Microsoft in Charlotte and moving up there and starting our life together. The following Thanksgiving, as I was headed to Indiana, I stopped off in South Carolina to see her (only a couple hours out of the way). I had told her I had a surprise for her and I did. Unfortunately, the morning I was leaving, she had a migraine. Though she did make it to the hotel to see me and spend some time with me before I left, we just sat together, quietly. She sat on the ottoman in front of me and leaned back on me. And there we sat. Silently for hours Until it was time for me to go. I should have done it, but I didn't. I wanted the time to be more special, I wanted us to be out doing something, not in a hotel sitting quietly. I didn't think she would want to remember that I proposed while she had a migraine. So I decided to do it another time. I was going to see her on my way home from Indiana anyway.  I made it to Indiana and didn't hear from Holly for a day and a half. And actually, when I heard, it was her husband who contacted me to let me know that she had decided to move back in with him. He said I had my chance and blew it. He laughed at me. I was destroyed.

The end of an error

For the year that I was with Holly, I think I might have spoken to Michelle once or twice. But with Holly gone, and much to my chagrin, my heart resurrected its love for Michelle. I tried to get into another relationship but it didn't work out. That year, I had done something nice for Michelle for her birthday. I did it anonymously but eventually came clean. For my birthday a month later, the gift I wanted was to take her on a dinner cruise in the Gulf of Mexico. I made the non-refundable deposit of $125 thinking it was a go but Michelle just would not take the time to talk to me about what I wanted for my birthday. The night before my birthday rolled around and Michelle asked what I wanted for my birthday. By this time, it was too late. I had already cancelled the dinner cruise reservations, lost my money, I was pissed that she couldn't take the time for me for a call, while this other girl wouldn't leave me alone. In my disgust for how she uncaring she was about my birthday, on the morning of my birthday, I changed my Facebook status to "In a relationship" and I used a picture of this other girl and me together as my profile picture. Michelle commented on my relationship change "In a relationship? Congrats! and Happy Birthday!" I got a text from her telling me she had a card for me but that she no longer thought it appropriate to give it to me and wished me luck. My heart sank. I ruined what little relationship we had left. And for a girl who has never respected me and never really cared for me. In the two years since, this girl and I have seen each other on and off (mostly off) but I will never get Michelle out of my head. And this girl could tell. I wouldn't commit to her because she could tell my heart was committed to someone else.

The end of an era

I had been with the same company (more or less) for over 18 years.  Despite my loyalty to the company, they showed no loyalty to me. I was on a team with two other guys who really knew SharePoint well. The three of us did all the work, the other three guys did very little. Because we were so understaffed, we often couldn't accomplish the work given to us. Upper management kept hearing from our manager "we can't do that" and they were starting to hear it as "we don't have the skills to do that", instead of what was really meant, "we do not have staffing to accomplish that in the time you need". Because of this, the company opted to bring in a 3rd party company to do SharePoint for them. The writing was on the wall, they had lost faith in us because of our manager. Mike was the first to leave and went to work at Microsoft as a Premier Field Engineer (PFE). When I finally made the decision to leave, I found an e-mail that had been sent to me on LinkedIn from a local company, a grocer based here in Lakeland who is the nations largest employee-owned company. The position and pay were perfect for me. Or so I thought. About the time I left, Karl also decided to leave the company. He also went to work for Microsoft as a PFE.  The job I took was not great. I shouldn't speak poorly of them because there are many people who work for the company who really love it. It was so totally not a fit for me though. After I left, I heard often from Mike and Karl that I should come to work for Microsoft. Through my employer, I took a training class offered by Microsoft for my technology. I spoke to the instructor and he himself said that he felt I should apply for a job so I did. Eight months later, I had my dream job at Microsoft.

A troubling discovery

I mentioned how things were so on-again-off-again with the girl who I used to exact my frustration with Michelle. I was always checking up on her. She had cheated on me, and a couple times I found her back on ChristianMingle.com where we'd met. When I wasn't seeing her on ChristianMingle.com, I started wondering if she was tired of me catching her on there and had started using something else like PlentyOfFish, so I created a profile on there to see if she had gone there. I was destroyed to find Michelle on there (POF has a ticker at the top of the "logged in" page showing the most recent people in your area to log in and her profile was in that list). At first I was destroyed. I knew that this meant that Michelle had decided to start dating. And since she wasn't dating me, and she knows how I feel about her, it was clear to me that she feels I am not good enough for her, which I'm probably not.

Over the years, Michelle has broken my heart so many times. She's cancelled so many "dates" we had. One of them she cancelled so that she could stay home to watch the first game of the Tampa Rays playoffs. No, she didn't ask to eat at a sports bar where we could watch the game, nor did she offer to come over to my place or even invite me over to watch it at her place. She just cancelled. She's cancelled so many other times. And it's not the cancelling that bothers me (though the one she cancelled to watch the Rays game at home alone was a tough pill to swallow), it's the fact that she never reschedules. If you're going to cancel, just make it up to me. But she never does. Most time we have gone out, in the back of my mind I've kept myself from getting too excited because the odds of her cancelling again were so high.

But instead of being defeated by finding her on POF, I redoubled my efforts. I decided to go "all in" and make sure Michelle knows exactly how much I care for her. I started sending her flowers every week, sometimes twice a week. I spoiled her in any way I could. My heart truly loves her and I would do anything for her. Michelle and I were starting to get really close again. Almost as close as we were before I moved to Florida. I was in heaven. We were talking every day I was happy.

At one point, I mentioned buying her flowers late in the week. I was kidding but she took me serious and said I couldn't buy her any more flowers that week. The conversation continued and later that evening, I asked for her mom's home address and she gave it to me. So, that Thursday night, while texting with Michelle, I ordered her mom some flowers and made the card out to say something like "Your daughter will not allow me to buy her any more flowers this week so I decided to brighten your day. Please accept these as a token of my appreciation for how you have shown me and shown the world what true love is." Michelle's dad is in the late stages of dementia/Alzheimer's. But Michelle's mom made the decision years ago that she would not allow him to live in a nursing home. She has stayed with him and taken care of him for years without complaint as an act of sheer love in my opinion. Honestly, and I really mean honestly, in my life, had I been in that situation in my life with anyone other than Michelle, I would have found a way to leave. My love has never been that strong for anyone. I was with some friends celebrating a birthday at Seminole Hard Rock Casino, having dinner when someone tried to call. I'm guessing it was her mom. But it was so loud in there, I couldn't take the call. I would not have been able to hear anything. Later Michelle relayed to me the expression of thankfulness her mom had sent her for me for doing this. That was Friday.

Michelle and I had actually spent a lot of time together that weekend. I do believe it was the most time she and I had ever spent together at one time. During the weekend, we discussed her dad's deteriorating condition and how weary her mom is trying to take care of her dad. The Alzheimer's was really advancing in her dad. At one point, her mom called and Michelle mentioned that she's worried about someday soon getting that call from her mom about her dad.

A time of loss

On the following Tuesday, Michelle and I had been texting back and forth as usual. But somewhere around 3:30p she stopped responding. I arrived home from the customer office at 5, completed my daily status report and went to take a short nap before I had to leave at 6 for my Bible study group. I left the phone on my chest while I napped just in case Michelle responded. I've always told Michelle, and it's true, whenever I'm talking to her, the rest of my world stops and fades away. It's only me and her.

My alarm woke me at 6. As I sat up to get out of bed, I received two text messages. One from my daughter about 30 minutes before and one from Michelle about 15 minutes old. It say "Call me please". It sounded like something was wrong. I tried to call a couple times but got no answer. By the tone elevation at the end of each ring on her end, I could tell she was on the phone. As I was about 5 miles from home, I received another text. This one from my cable company. My cable company provides my home phone which only Michelle calls me on. And with their service, I have it set up so that if someone calls me, it texts me the caller's information. It was Michelle. So I text her back telling her I'd gotten a message saying she called. I asked if I should call and if everything was alright. No response.

Bible study wrapped around 9pm that day. I still had no response from Michelle. I text her again (Until this last week, I've never just called her without first texting her to see if she's busy... weird, I know). I asked if everything as ok. No response. I got home and hopped on Facebook and saw her best friend Stacy had posted a message asking that everyone please pray for Michelle's family. I text Michelle to let her know that I had just seen Stacy's message and that I was praying. Within 30 seconds my phone rang. It was Michelle. But before I answered, she hung up. About 2 minutes later, she called back. I answered and she said "It's me". I was relieved because she sounded fine. But I was wrong. Michelle let out this tearful cry "Mark, my mom died today." Even writing this, my heart skips a beat. I yelled out "No!". In my head I'm wondering Why God? Why take her mom? The days to come were very difficult for her. And for some reason, I was now reliving the pain of my mom's passing just 4 years before around the same time. With my divorce, bankruptcy and my mom's passing all happing in such close proximity, I think my heart hardened to get through it all and I never grieved properly. And now I was grieving right alongside Michelle. And she knows I have been there for her because I know the pain she's going through. She's admired the close relationship I had with my mom, just as I've admired the relationship with hers, though now it's gone.

For the next two weeks, we got very close. But my insecurity mixed with her pain and a little apparent withdrawal from being social, I started getting my feelings hurt. Many of Michelle's actions, her quietness, and everything just caused me more pain. And as the saying goes, "Hurting people hurt people". And that's what happened. For a couple weeks we weren't as close but we were starting to get close again. And I'm not sure where I got the balls, but last Thursday, Feb 7th, I asked Michelle if she would go with me to dinner for Valentine's Day. To my surprise, she said yes. I made reservations at a really nice restaurant. She told me over the weekend that she's really excited and looking forward to it. I'm excited too because she's actually letting me take her someplace nice to eat, the Capital Grille at International Plaza.

But on Tuesday, I screwed it up. I once again told her how much I really love her. And I really do. And that doesn't make her comfortable. Whenever I do that, she withdraws. She will always say that she's not upset but I can't help but think she is. Those same texts she used to respond to immediately, now if she responds to them at all, it's hours later. It's my fault. I should have kept my emotions in check. She drew the line years ago about my telling her exactly how I feel. I just cavalierly trampled across that line on Tuesday morning. It's now Wednesday and we barely spoke today. She even mentioned to me that her request to take the time off (to leave early to make our date) hasn't come back. It seems to foreshadow another cancellation. This one will hurt though.

So what's it all mean?

That's the $10million question. What am I here for?
Did God put me here just to help out Victory when they really needed me?
Did God put me here just to pave the way to my dream job in with Microsoft?
Did God put me here just to comfort Michelle in her time of loss?
Did God put me here to put me and Michelle together?

That last question hurts to ask, because I'm pretty sure I know the answer. And I know I've been fighting intensely against His will for several years now... well, wrestling with God as Jacob did. And as one of my closest friends said to me just a couple weeks ago, "if it hasn't happened in 4 years, it is probably not going to happen".
Perhaps.
But I do know one thing... I have a date with her tomorrow. On Valentine's Day... at least I do for now. I'm hoping that doesn't change.